Dear Jes:

Thank you so much for all the work you did over the past year trying to teach me how to fake a microphone drop. Unfortunately, I was never able to get the movements down smoothly, and now the mic drop is a thing, so I wouldn't be doing it anymore anyway. That said, I am very good at raising and lowering a fake microphone for people of varying heights and also tapping a fake mic to see if it's on.

Also, I will no longer be saying "Connie Out!" to punctuate my departure or to end a conversation on my terms, because that phrase is also now a thing (of course, people are inserting their own names). It's sad too, because I've been saying "Connie Out!" since the girls were little, and it used to give them great comfort. For instance, when they were upset that I got a babysitter -- over their sobs, I'd say "Connie Out!" as I shut the front door, and magically, right then, the crying would stop. 

I want you to know that I am really great at faking the slamming down of a phone receiver, which is strange because I don't think I've ever hung up on anybody in real life. The movement, holding my right thumb to my right ear and my right pinkie to my mouth, then pretending to smash the fake phone onto its base, comes really naturally to me. It's used when I'm telling a group of my friends what I would like to have said, but didn't, in a phone conversation with a meanie. Sadly, most telephones won't be traditionally shaped for much longer, so this move will become obsolete, just like the one when you eat a whole row off of a piece of corn-on-the-cob without stopping and then say "ding." That was a great move and it never got old when typewriters were still a thing.

Jes, let's keep talking, though, about how to make me look cool.

Love, 

Connie