Dear Natasha: 

Why do I blog about you so often -- our rapidly-growing, red-eared slider turtle -- while I rarely mention our two, furry mammal pets called dogs that are way more entertaining?  I guess it's guilt. I feel guilty that I shunned you when you were given to us. It was rotten of me to tell Margot that I didn't want a turtle, and that I wouldn't lift a finger to help care for you.  And to make matters worse, I said all that knowing that you were in red-ear shot. I'm also contrite that I never asked how you were feeling when your partner, Boris, died in your shared tank, though I'm guessing it was something like shell shock.

But to be completely frank, Natasha, I still have some big issues with you. I googled "why is my turtle becoming frantic, swimming up against the glass of her/his aquarium, whenever we walk by?" I get it now -- this is how you people beg for food. Listen, for someone like me who cares about how everyone in the room is feeling, even the reptiles, this behavior is unnerving. True, our Scottie and Westie make themselves available whenever I open the refrigerator, but that doesn't get under my skin because it's part of the deal when you have dogs. Plus, unlike you, they give back to us by doing that hilarious imitation of those crazy, horned animals charging into each other on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

And hey, I might as well tell you now that, when I was googling to learn more about the harebrained manner in which you're now conducting yourself, I also learned that at some point during your preposterously-long-for-a-pet lifespan, you will grow to expect a 90-gallon tank like the one shown below in this homesick photograph:

An example of the 90-gallon aquarium
that will come into my house over my dead body.

Tilda Swinton, take heed.

Natasha, we have heard that some animals grow to the size of their habitats. If that's true, and it probably isn't, it's creepy and I'm so grateful that we humans have set some boundaries in this regard. Nonetheless, your 20-gallon aquarium is perfectly adequate for your current size (one gallon for each inch of your shell, if you didn't know), so it would be a good idea for you to settle in where you are, size-wise. Anything larger would be unacceptable for me, decor-wise. 

I hope we understand each other. 

Love you girlfriend/bro,

Correspondence Con