The unsettling skedaddle of German Pope John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has left us all scratching our heads.  This is because undead popes don't normally leave their posts.  But, when in Rome!  And beware, a person who used to be infallible can be really irritating, especially when he is the customer, who is also always right.  

I have Catholic roots, so I feel qualified to post lots of fun facts about the process of electing a pope. First of all, the meeting of the College of Cardinals, or Papal Conclave, where the voting happens, is super secret and clubby.  If you want to participate, you can't just phone it in.  You have to make plane reservations, leave your secret family in St. Petersburg, and show up there at the Vatican.

The next part is my favorite, because, next to quick sand and hot lava, nothing fascinates me more than smoke signals; and they use them to apprise the waiting world of the successful selection of a pope. Here's why they do that. There can be no notes or ballots left around willy nilly in the aftermath of a vote.  So they gather up all the paperwork and burn it in a special fireplace that vents out through a special chimney on a special roof.  To let us all know that they failed to get a supermajority of two-thirds on a ballot, the cardinals put special chemicals in with the fire to make the smoke black.  If they do agree on a candidate, the special chemicals are not included with the fire, and the smoke comes out white.  Remember, this is all reversed if they elect a black pope.