I'm so happy to be visiting my daughter Margot in Turks and Caicos, where she's doing her semester abroad, studying marine science-y stuff with her amazing new friends. And while that sounds super glam, they are living very simply, taking salt water showers and washing their clothes by beating them on rocks, like in the Bible.

Margot and her friends are on a five day break and Bo and I met them at a modern hotel, flush with fresh water. I've never seen people more excited and grateful for simple pleasures.

When I first laid eyes on Margot, she looked so different -- so tanned and salt-encrusted, like the good side of a Triscuit. "I'm resisting the urge to lick you to see how salty you are," I said to her (okay, I know that sounds weird, but I knew she would understand.  Margot doesn't like going to art museums because she's afraid that she'll lick the paintings).

"What do you want to do first?" I asked her as she set foot into the air-conditioned hotel room.

"How about the opposite of a salt water shower," she said.

"So, pepper spray?"

"Haha, no," she said. "I think I'm gonna take a two hour bath."

"You are crazy filthy," I said, motioning her into the bathroom. "Get in the tub, woman. And if you like it then you better put a ring on it."

I put some roasted chicken into Isa's dry dog food for a treat  -- so flattered and happy to see that she counted it as food porn and instagrammed it:

My mom cautioned me -- never talk about your dogs at a party. "No one really wants to hear it," she said. "It's like being at the DMV counter. What you are saying is not getting through to a soul, and there's a long line of people behind you who all have boring stories to tell."

Maybe that's why I never write about our pets, Isa (a Westie) and Toby (a Scottie), preferring to focus on Natasha (a Turtle). For those of you who want an update on Natasha, she's fine, and rapidly outgrowing her oversized and decor-destroying aquarium. I wish there was something I could do to make Natasha stay the same size -- kind of like when I used to wear two bras to bed.

Anyway, I will share with you that Isa got in big trouble for digging a giant hole in our yard:

At first she seemed sad and sorry for making such a mess, but later I found this selfie of her in which she looks not sad and not sorry:

It seems like Congress might be about to reach a deal and I'm thinking that it's happening because of today's threatening hext from me.

The gist of it is, unless there's a deal today, each of the congressmen holding up the works will "accidentally" send his mother graphic and cringe-worthy oedipus rexts (which is when a guy sends his mom sext messages). My hext also cautions the congressmen not to text their mothers afterward to say they are sorry. Because even crazy people don't want to have make up sexts with their moms.

Well this is embarrassing. It's Columbus Day and the United States Government has been shut down for two weeks. How would Christopher Columbus, an old, old, great American Patriot have felt about these goings-ons?

In a word, he never would have stood for this kind of incompetence with regard to Congress running our great nation. Let me remind Tea Party Republicans that Christopher Columbus spurned the original Boston beverage-oriented event, sitting on his hands while a band of American Indians dumped a shipment of tea into the harbor to protest colonial Massachusetts' use of the word "corn" over the word they favored, which was "maize."

And why did he choose to support our government when that tea dumping prank would have been the best fun ever? Well, and I'm talking to you lawless members of Congress who are holding us all hostage, it's because Christopher Columbus relied on the U.S. Government to fund his expeditions and colonizations. If you Boehn-heads© had been running the show when Columbus was flexing his muscles, we never would have conquered and purchased Louisiana, and your beloved Texas would still be on Mexican soil.  

So Congress, let's honor Christopher Columbus on his actual birthday and reopen the government. I mean, come on -- we look like fools! Countries from around the world, like Spain, are reading this and cringing. 

New group vext to House Republicans:

Just texmexted 1200 chimichangas coming ur way from el alamo restaurant which got mixed reviews on Chow website plus good luck paying 4 them on account of u won't fund govt connie out.

Memo

To:     Connie

From:   House Speaker John Boehner

Re:     Today's Hext

Date:   October 10, 2013

I am speaking for all my conthervative colleagth in the Houth of Reprethentatifth when I say that you are a nasty lady and that today's curse on us is ludicrous and cruel. That said, I'm kind of a dick.  We will not bend to your demand that we reopen the U ETH Government -- in fact your daily hext messages are increasing our resolve to keep it shut down until we can hold open negotheeatheeinth with "Prethident" Obama. That said, I'm kind of a dick. And while we celebrate your right to bear armtth, which is granted to you by the theckond amendment, we cannot run this place competently with a gun to our heads. That said, I'm kind of a dick.

You have my word that I will always do what is best for our great natheeon. That said, I'm kind of a dick and I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.