Dear Margot and Greta:

Because you seem eager for me to weigh in on your personal relationships, I'll caution you not to marry a brooding man. Brooders can be very attractive because they're intense and interesting, and they look like they need your love or at least some kind of assistance. A short term relationship with a brooder is fine -- it may even be a good idea, getting-it-out-of-your-system wise. For the long haul though, they might become tiresome, fun-sucking wise.

You might ask how to spot a brooder. A brooder is any guy who would not appreciate it if you rode your unicycle into a swimming pool at a summer party. In fact, he is apt to peel you away from the festivities entirely, preferring to go one-on-one, often when things are just starting to heat up. A brooder would not go with you to visit your sister in the hospital when you are wearing an opened-back johnny that reveals your novelty rubber butt boxers.  A brooder is likely to be seriously engaged in a particular activity that involves special equipment. This equipment might require roof racks for his car or maybe a guitar case. He won't like to joke about this pursuit and he'll not want it to be called a hobby. You get the picture.

How to avoid brooders, especially if you are just coming off of one? Well, they don't like to dance freely, wear costumes or be caught unawares/observe sudden movements, so for a short time, stick with hoedowns, Walt Disney World and surprise parties. Also don't make eye contact with solo kite surfers or guys at used record stores and you should be fine.

Always here for you,

Connie

This morning, while Greta and I were making breakfast and repairing some stuff in her apartment, it fell upon us to do several Google searches to answer the following questions:

•  Does it slowly poison you if you fry your eggs in a scratched Teflon pan? (No.)

•  Is it okay to use dish soap when cleaning cast iron cookware? (Yes, if you must.)

•  Can you re-energize a uncooperative suction cup? (Possibly.)

•  Who thought up hair shirts, long, long ago? (Credit goes to a team of shepherds and tailors. It was during the Ancient Commonwealth Games, in the final round of the Mortification of the Flesh event. Team Shepherd/Tailor took the gold, narrowly defeating Team Priest/Cobbler, who turned up in excruciating high heels.)

•  Who generally made the hair shirts back then? (Your mom could make a hair shirt for you if your family had goats lying around, but only if you were naughty and listed Self Flagellation Kit at the top of your Christmas list. If you were nice, you unwrapped a cashmere or pashmina shirt, the hair for which was taken from the soft undercoat of the goat. However, in Spain, moms had to make knock-off hair shirts from scraps of scratchy burlap because the family goat was due to be thrown off of the town church during a festival held every fourth Sunday of January.)

•  Do people wear hair shirts to this day? (A few men still do, usually tank tops.)

Reference hair shirt-tank top.