Memo

To:   Connie 

From: Congressional Tea Party Members 

Re:   Today's Hext

Date: October 9, 2013                                          

Please remove AT ONCE the curse you put on us that makes us lisp when we express our core values. We need to be able to say

the conthtitootheeon, the theckond amendment, tackth cutth, illegal alienth, Nanthy Pelothi and thodomy to be able to run this government efficiently. 

Thank you,

Conthervative Houth Republicanth

p.s. We just threw up in our mouths a little bit.

Here is a group hext from me to House Tea Party Republicans:

U r cursed to say sorry i just thru up in my mouth a little bit each time u r interviewed on tv connie out.

Like lots of people my age, I use flash cards from Urban Dictionary to help me memorize the latest slang terms. Here's some slang I came across today that pertains to text messaging:

"EXting" is texting your old boyfriend or girlfriend.

"Hexting" could be EXting, only also putting a curse on him/her.

"Flexting" is doing flirtatious texts.

"Vexting" is sending upsetting texts.

"Vortexting" is an overly dramatic text that draws uninvolved people into an angst-y situation.


Here are a few more that I made up, which I feel are really going to take off: 

"Texmexting" is texting a Mexican restaurant for take out. 

"Latexting" is an SOS text like, "you got condoms over there bro?"

"Oedipus Rexting" is when a guy sexts his mother.

"Chexting" is when you text your mom: "we out of cereal lady."

Dear SFS students:

I am so flattered that you are reading my blog and I'm looking forward to meeting you! 

Margot's father and I were super busy before she took off for her semester abroad, so we're unclear about where you people are or what you are doing. We've spoken with Margot just once since she left home, but we couldn't really focus on what she was saying because we were simultaneously watching The Best of Chopped. Anyway, she said she is not able to shower, so we are guessing you are somewhere in Eastern Europe. 

Margot said that you are working on Cake-O's, which is our family's favorite cereal, so we couldn't be happier, and my brother Dave would like to order four boxes. She also said that you are all loving Pot Cake-O's, which Margot's father and I would have enjoyed when we were in college, as well. However, I think I am speaking for most parents when I caution you guys -- please do not bring any Pot Cake-O's back to the United States of America no matter how much you've come to love them.

I know that you all are business majors, but how about running some lab experiments, like: "How To Keep Pineapple Upside Down Cake-O's From Popping Right Side Up Once You Pour The Milk On?" I'm thinking this kind of science-y stuff will round out your projects.

See you next week!

Love,

Connie

Recently, and maybe as a joke, I was chosen to make a selection from the wine list at a french restaurant. My mouth said to my friends, "I'd love to," and I started flipping through the pages. At the same time, my chest and my throat said to me, "There's nothing we can do for you. You're going into a swivet." Then my brain said, "Fine. But let's keep this in-house." 

I was fretful, lost and alone, until I laid eyes on a wine with a flavor profile that included "nervous" as one of its characteristics. "Oh, poor thing," I thought, and I closed the menu.

The wine came and I tasted it. Giving the bottle a supportive wink, I said to the waiter, "Oh yes -- this wine is doing a great job!" Then I explained to my friends that the wine was known to be a little nervous. "Also, it may be self conscious because of the 'petit' thing," I whispered. "Well, there's no need for that," my husband said. "This wine is doing everything right. Let's drink this bottle down quickly, and then order another one, just to show our encouragement." 

I knew the cheese store I walked into with my friend Jan was going to be upscale because its name contained the word "Farm." Farms used to be venues you didn't want to focus on when buying anything dairy because they conjured up thoughts of muddy stuff, people waking up early, flies being swatted with tails and the inside of a cow touching the milk you were about to drink. But now that people are demanding whole, locally grown food, farmers are revered and farms are highly regarded, even though we all know that they're still pretty smelly.

Anyway, the shop had a giant collection of cheeses that were displayed on tiers in a large glass case. And on top of each cheese was a small description written in tiny chalk letters on tiny blackboards -- like a classroom for enormously fortunate mice. As I was peering into the case, an intense woman in a chef's jacket approached me and said, "I see you're trying to select something. What are you thinking of, in terms of a flavor profile?"

Oh no! A flavor profile was going to require at least three good cheese words! I could have been prepping for this, but I had unwisely spent my time imagining that I was a small, cute, lucky elementary school mouse. "Rectangle" was the first thing that popped in my head. Then, just as Jan walked over, I started saying out loud some wine words that I had memorized. "I'm thinking of something big, full-bodied, complex, earthy..." 

"And Velveety," Jan said, in her Tennessee accent. 

"Did you say velvety?" the store lady asked. 

"Yes," and make it a Kraft cheese. 

"And by craft, do you mean artisanal?" 

"Yes."

What's happening!!!!