I knew the cheese store I walked into with my friend Jan was going to be upscale because its name contained the word "Farm." Farms used to be venues you didn't want to focus on when buying anything dairy because they conjured up thoughts of muddy stuff, people waking up early, flies being swatted with tails and the inside of a cow touching the milk you were about to drink. But now that people are demanding whole, locally grown food, farmers are revered and farms are highly regarded, even though we all know that they're still pretty smelly.

Anyway, the shop had a giant collection of cheeses that were displayed on tiers in a large glass case. And on top of each cheese was a small description written in tiny chalk letters on tiny blackboards -- like a classroom for enormously fortunate mice. As I was peering into the case, an intense woman in a chef's jacket approached me and said, "I see you're trying to select something. What are you thinking of, in terms of a flavor profile?"

Oh no! A flavor profile was going to require at least three good cheese words! I could have been prepping for this, but I had unwisely spent my time imagining that I was a small, cute, lucky elementary school mouse. "Rectangle" was the first thing that popped in my head. Then, just as Jan walked over, I started saying out loud some wine words that I had memorized. "I'm thinking of something big, full-bodied, complex, earthy..." 

"And Velveety," Jan said, in her Tennessee accent. 

"Did you say velvety?" the store lady asked. 

"Yes," and make it a Kraft cheese. 

"And by craft, do you mean artisanal?" 

"Yes."

What's happening!!!!          

Thank you to my readers who forwarded me this ripped-shirt photo of Captain Kirk:  

And you guys are right, I made a mistake when I wrote that the black part of his uniform top is a tattoo of a dickey. As we can see in the photo, the collar area is clearly a part of the shirt. Here, Kirk's flesh looks not only tat free, but pure and luminescent. I'm guessing that Star Trek's ratings shot up after this hint of goodness happened because they revved things up with this Tarzan-esque shirt tear:

 

And famously, this casual laceration revealing just the one nipple, which seems to be asking the question, "S'up?"

 

How could I have forgotten these ripped-shirt episodes of Star Trek that aired when I was a little girl? They gave me a funny feeling all over that left me wanting him to give me a piggy back.

Dear Margot and Greta:

I really appreciate your feedback about my great idea: The Elbow Patch Tattoo™. Yet I can't help but feel one-upped by your concept of the Dickie Tat. 

Yes, dickies are awesome. That is why we all have them. But they don't work in this application because they are a seasonal item. And though a Dickie Tat would beautifully offset the pearls your grandmother gave you, it would also make you look kind of zany in your tube tops. 

Plus, this kind of tattoo has already been done, so that's not cool. 

Girls, this is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. That black part on his uniform top is actually a Dickie Tat. And, as beautiful as this actor is, it was hard for him to land other roles after appearing week after week in a Dickie Tat on Star Trek.

Here's the actor again later in life, still in the cast of Star Trek. But, as is usually the case, styles have changed and he's having to cover up his Dickie Tat with an actual dickie, making it even harder for him to find a job.

So sorry, there's no way I'm green-lighting this.

Love, 
Connie

Dear Margot and Greta:

You know that both of my arms are more than 53 years old.  You also know that when my arms are outstretched, the skin on my elbows can be twisted into neat rosettes that will stay that way for at least three hours -- more, I'm sure, but we all got hungry and I needed to bend my arms to make dinner.

As you both age, elbow skin elasticity may become an issue for you too. This is another reason to go out and get those Elbow Patch Tattoos™, which, over the years, would take on the unstructured, leathery look of the real thing.

If you think you aren't cut out for Elbow Patch Tattoos™, I'd say start moisturizing your elbows now and try to keep your arms at obtuse angles (greater than 90°, but less than 180°)over the next thirty years.

This is nothing to worry about while you are away at college.

Love,

Connie

To Margot and Greta:  

I've told you guys to wait until you are older to get a tattoo, but I've changed my mind, mostly because I have a great idea for a tattoo and it's called elbow patches. Elbow patches make people look brainy. So here's what I have in mind: Meet with your professor after class (showing that you're interested), ask him/her a question while scratching your head (showing that you're curious) at which point you will reveal one of your elbow patch tattoos (showing that you're an intellectual). Guaranteed, you will leave a mark on the teacher that can never be erased!

I did a Google search for "Elbow Patch Tattoos" and it seems that no one else is doing this, so you'd be the only ones, which is cool. 

Love, 
Connie

People have been carping at me to blog again, not because of what I have to say, but because a new post would thrust my brother's roof shadow penis off the screen. Apparently, for many people, not me, concocted shadow penises are only funny for a few months, at which point they wear out their welcome. Unfortunately for these people, this blog post isn't lengthy enough to drive the offensive image away. Writing more words would solve the problem, but I'm an artist, and the way I've crafted this posting is perfect just the way it is. So I guess this has just been a big waste of everybody's time.