After weeks of doing serious research and writing boring blog posts, I'm ready to announce what will become the newest thing in glass wear and it's bowls. You laugh now, but pretty soon (well, not that soon, as we innovators typically operate years ahead of the hoi polloi) wherever you go to socialize (as long as you're hanging out with the right people), drinks will be served in bowls, probably ones called calabash bowls, which look like this: 

Why bowls? Well, everyone knows that people, especially men, love to cup things. When we begin to drink two-handedly from bowls, especially the calabash, which is a hollowed out and dried gourd, we will look and feel like we're living a natural lifestyle, which will be super in for the foreseeable future. Drinking thusly, we will appear to revere the earth and whatnot, as we lower our heads and bow to the bounty held within our basins. This is way cooler than what we do now, which is to throw our heads back unreflectively to quaff from mason jars like masters of the universe. Drinking from bowls requires concentration, and this focus will bring us to the present moment, which is where the people who are going to drink from bowls are always trying to be, so that's a win-win. 

There is an appealing communal aspect to drinking from calabash bowls, as societies from Asia, Europe and the Americas have been serving traditional drinks from large vats into calabash-style bowls during events like weddings, concerts and graduation parties for thousands of years. What I'm getting at here is that someone who is planning a large party should consider calabash bowls if he or she is thinking of going with a signature cocktail for the evening.

Since calabash bowls do not conduct heat, they are also perfect for hot drinks, like tea. Tea is no stranger to being drunk from bowls, as handled cups did not exist until around 1750 when an Englishman named Robert Adams invented handles because too many soft, pasty British palms of hands were being badly burned. Today only a few of us tough it out with handleless tea cups for reasons that are purely aesthetic. Soon though, when calabash bowls really catch on, they will be sold in ceramic form on Etsy, and after that at Pottery Barn, then at Home Goods, and then at Everything's a Dollar. At that point, hands will be scalded left and right, just like in olden times. The innovator in me says to apply for the Cardboard Coffee Bowl Sleeve™ patent at my earliest convenience.

Yesterday, an acquaintance came up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hey, why don't you stop writing about jars?" And I said something to him that he'll never forget. I spun right around and said, "I don't know. Why don't you stop writing about jars?"

Well I am going to stop writing about jars, because there isn't one that comes close to equaling the mason jar's charming allure as a drinking vessel. I'm probably just hours away from identifying for you what the newest thing in drinkwear will be. In the meantime, since we're all still in bed with mason jars, I will tell you that, at a party the other night, my friend Lisa Taylor showed me that it's possible to drink from one while at the same time experiencing a sense of well-being. Every time you take a sip, hunt down the area just before the threading begins. Put your lower lip there and tip the jar's opening toward your mouth. Then, if you close your eyes, you will get a load of what it was like to drink from a glass.

Photo by Con

There's no way that we're going to be sipping drinks out of apothecary jars when our mason jars inevitably go out of style. Why? Three words: 

But even though they are poor candidates to hold our vodka tonics this summer, apothecary jars have a fascinating history, which I'm happy to share with you. An apothecary was someone who used to mix up and sell "medicine." They also sometimes acted as primary care doctors and thoracic surgeons. I'm guessing that they said words like elixir, liniment and dropsy ad nauseam. Apothecaries had been at this for years, dating back to 2600 BC (Before Celebrex). Okay, this is confusing, but the stores that were owned by apothecaries were also called apothecaries. Interestingly, the U.S. Supreme Court applies this Apothecary Precedent as it continues to rule that corporations are the same as people. 

Then one time, after Old Man Gower, the apothecary in the film It's a Wonderful Life, boxed and bloodied young George Bailey's ears for not delivering cyanide to a super sick Bedford Falls resident, horrified Americans lost faith in these man/stores. And tout de suit a hysterical run on the bank ensued that led us all right to the Great Depression:

"You put something wrong in those capsules! It wasn't your fault, Mr. Gower!"

Now that you understand the history of apothecaries, you'll have some context for learning about the jars they used. Apothecary jars fell into two categories: 1) the practical kind that actually stored chemical compounds, and 2) the more decorative kind that were displayed in store fronts.

1) Apothecary Storage Jars

Like mason jars and French Kilners, these sturdy jars, with their industrial-chic flair, are great looking. They were often labeled in cool fonts and were required to be clear so the apothecary could verify their medicinal contents. If you go on eBay, you'll see that they are now highly collectible. But you wouldn't want to lick one, so again, bad drinkware. It's interesting to note that nowadays the storage of drugs is mostly the job of mason jars:

Mason, the world's busiest jar.

2) Apothecary Display Jars

Controversy surrounds display style, or show globe apothecary jars. This is because, when they were first introduced in 17th century England, they were mostly filled with different color liquids and people disagree about why that was. Some say it's because, since nobody except Shakespeare could read back then, apothecaries sent messages to the general public through the tints in their show globes: Red -- there is a plague in town, or Green -- ollie ollie out come free: 

The "Headeth F'r The Hills" Jar

Others say that the myriad colors found in show globes were formed from various tinctures that the apothecaries were making out back, and that by displaying them in their storefronts, they came off looking super busy, professional, and not a bit like warlocks. 

Next time: The Leyden Jar and then I promise I'm done.

We've all seen this kind of jar before, but we never cared enough to ask what it's called. I'm sorry, but this does not bode well for the French Kilner as it tries to replace the mason jar as the next it-glass at parties.

 The French Kilner Jar 

The French Kilner, or bail closure jar, was originally used for canning until it gave everybody botulism during the Great Depression. People generally now use French Kilner jars for storage and decoration. Kilners get high marks for looks -- who among us can resist those industrial design features? But can we be expected to use this jar to hold our beverages? Sure, we've grown accustomed to drinking around and over the screw threads of the mason jar, but we have our limits. I mean can you imagine having this thing come at you, like a million times, when you're trying to have fun at a party?  

So, no way. The French Kilner is off the table. Oh my god, here's a Kilner tripling as a cookie jar and a fat joke. If you own one of these, please get rid of it. You're making us all feel bad about ourselves. 

Buzz Kilner

Next time: Apothecary Jars as drinking glasses. Too creepy? 

I've been working all weekend for you people so that you can surprise your guests with trendsetting and beguiling drinkware. Can you honestly say that you've spent your free time so productively?

Picking up where we left off last time, I'm doing research to fill in this blank: _____?______ is the new mason jar. In full-on innovator mode, I've forcasted that those of us who serve drinks ironically to friends will not want to let go of repurposed jars in toto. At the same time, we want to maintain our status as early adopters of the hippest drinkware, and we don't want to get caught with our pants half empty.  

With these factors in mind, I asked myself this question: What other kinds of jars are out there from which we could possibly drink? 

The Cookie Jar 

These large, lidded, primarily ceramic jars were originally meant to induce feelings of happiness and the promise of a good time. Then, during the Great Depression, someone called a Katzenjammer Kid got caught with his hand in one of them. Cookies then became fattening, guilt-activating heartburn pellets, and they've continued in that mode to this very day. Cookie jars are now a symbol of shame for all Americans except for the very young and the rail thin. On the other hand, if you have one in your kitchen, newcomers will take it as a sign that you're a good person. Like the mason jar, cookie jars are now mostly used ironically, housing stuff like dog treats and compost. I'm going to give them a thumbs down for future must-have drinkware, mostly on account of the guilt thing. Why would we want to layer on more of that while we're cocktailing?

Next up: French Kilner Jars -- what are they and should we drink from them?

Innovators have a knack for spotting trends, but to stay on our game, we always do our homework. I promised my readers that I'd jump out ahead of the curve on the next glassware craze -- the one that will have us all canning our mason jars -- and I'm heavily into the fact finding part of this journey.

But let's start with my gut, who tells me that, as a society, we are simply not done with the repurposing of jars as drinking glasses, even though the mason jar brought with it some noteworthy downsides, namely, lip gashes and clothing stains due to thribbles (dribbles from threading at mason jar opening). On the other hand, jars bring a wink of coziness to a dinner party, and they can be popped into the dishwasher at clean up time, unlike the crystal we would normally use, which has to be hand-washed in water that is room temperature, and then dried with a soft cloth -- all this right when you want to crash.

Let's start our research by looking at the essential features of a mason jar to see how it gained popularity in the first place:

Okay, I don't know if you were shrewd enough to notice, but the name Ball is embossed saucily onto these jars, with Mason shoved down as a stiff all-right-already acquiescence at the bottom. Upon noticing this phenomenon, I immediately smelled controversy. I guess I also have a knack for spotting trouble, because apparently, in the late 1800s, the Ball Family got wind that the patent for the Mason Improved Fruit Jar had expired. So they rushed in and started producing the jars, newly emblazoned with their company logo. The family also added the word "perfect" before "Mason," implying that the Masons had botched the whole damn process from the get go. Historical note: This is where the phrase, "having the Balls to do something like that" originated. 

Wait. Are you seeing what I'm seeing? Stay with. My unearthing of this ugliness is the first chink in the mason jar stronghold. I mean, knowing what we now know, what kind of person wants to sit down at a beautiful picnic and see Balls every time he or she has to take a drink (although I think they do some version of this on Saturday nights at Connecticut College). 

What this means is that my window to identify the hottest new glass trend is closing, so I need to get cracking today and Sunday, which is fine. Sometimes we innovators are way too busy at home thinking to have weekend plans.

I haven't written anything lately because of some injuries I sustained while drinking out of a mason jar. I cut my face up pretty badly on a savagely jagged thread at the jar's opening. Puzzler: why do they have to put that screw-shaped stuff right where your mouth goes? 

The jar that got me had been chipped up during the time that Bo was using our mason jars out in the garage to organize his nails and screws and washers. But when I found out that these jars were being re-repurposed for household glassware, I ran right out there and dumped all that whatnot on his workbench. When he objected, I said, "Don't be silly! And also, can you straighten up the garage? We're having people over for drinks in mason jars." 

That same week, I scalded the palm of my right hand when I served myself some nice, hot black coffee in a mason jar. And yes, I did know that they make mason jars with handles like this one:

But I refuse to purchase these things because I'm a purist and it looks all wrong and makes no sense. Next thing you know, people will start putting lids on coffee cups.


But today my pain level is down to the point where I can almost think about something to write. And though my right hand remains bandaged, I can still type about 40 WPM (Words Per Minute) with my left hand going it alone. So here's what's on my mind. We all know that pretty soon, none of us will be drinking out of mason jars and we'll move onto something else to drink out of. Just like when we quit drinking out of baskets and started drinking out of mason jars. I'm going to figure out what that next thing is. And just so you know, this will make me the innovator, you guys the early adopters, and the people who continue using mason jars, the dirty laggards. 

Next time: Get a jump on cutting edge glassware.